Granny…

I’ve been working on this bit for about a year now, and it keeps rearing its ugly head.

Here’s the punchline:

“Well, if I wanted to have sex with my grandmother, then I’d go home for Thanksgiving!”

It came to me one day last year, perhaps after having done much imbibing. But it tickled me so. Not sure why.

I was talking to my brother Nicholas yesterday, and I said it spontaneously – completely out of context. Almost as a non-sequiter. (sp?) He called me on it, not really sure what it meant. He’s a bartender, and has a lot of people’s ears, and I really wanted to see if he could work it in as a quick punchline. So we had to think about a context for the joke.

The best I could do was:

Make a comment about a slightly older woman at the bar. “Boy, she’s hot for an older woman!” he could say to a friend or patron. And I suppose he could wait for the same patron to say that he finds aNOTHER older woman similarly attractive. To which, Nicholas could respond, “Jesus, man – if I wanted to have sex with my Grandmother, I’d go home for Thanksgiving!”

Thoughts? Other scenarios where this line would work?”

“Toenail Jar” Review

From Instrumental Analysis.

They used this super young picture of me.

Here’s the text:

A Rollicking, Good Time

Being an English major who spends far too much time trying to discern the perfect meaning for particular words, I’ve long struggled with the quintessential occasion to use “rollicking.” I believe Andy Mullen’s latest, self-produced, DIY masterpiece, The Toenail Jar, has afforded me the ideal opportunity to use that word in describing his music. Gross title aside, the self-proclaimed “Folk Music’s New Bad Boy” has put together a great folksy, country-esque gem that bounces and bounds like a tipsy tornado. What sets this work far beyond the competition, however, isn’t the music itself. Don’t get me wrong, Mullen is a strong guitarist with tight finger picking skills and the required half-dulcet, half-whiskey-soaked pipes to garner praise enough. No, it’s Mullen’s skills as a lyricist that take the package to the next level.

From somber tracks like, “So Does the Beer”, to fun tunes like, “Quit Quittin’”, to the heady, “Stream of Consciousness”, this CD has a little something for everyone. I suppose that counts doubly, if you like a bit of real country (not this current country pop rock crap) in your mix.

I know we posted on our “favorite albums of the year thus far” already this year, but this one definitely now makes my list. Hell, the amount of garbage I’ve done in airports alone makes “I Cracked at the Airport” resonate with me far more than it should and for that alone, I’d probably put it in my top ten. The fact that “Quit Quittin’” and “Stream of Consciousness” are two of my favorite tracks of the year, doesn’t hurt the situation much either.

Fortunately, Mr. Mullen has made this album available to anyone that wants a copy. Snag yours here.

New Freebie: Lazy John

i just posted a new tune on my website – . the section where i am posting new free tunes is called “FREEBIES.” i’ll be recording more original songs, plus my take on some traditional material.

the tune is called “lazy john” and it’s a new (to me) traditional song.

if you want the lyrics and chords, send me an e-mail. (andy@andymullenmusic.com)

Make Better French Fries.

i think we all have a purpose on this earth. some of us are doctors, and some of us are lawyers. some of us paint beautiful pictures. and some of us dig ditches. and some of us work in the food sector. i think the point in life, though, is: whatever you do, do it well.

i was on my way home this past weekend from the grassroots festival of music and dance near ithaca, ny. i was in the car with my brother cris, and we were both feeling a bit peckish. there’s not much to eat on route 17, but i knew of a barbecue joint about halfway to the city called big willie’s. i remembered them from my last jaunt down future 86. they had a heckuva pulled pork, if memory served.

sadly, willie thought it would be a good idea to close up shop for the day, so we were forced across the street to fiddle’s for some dogs and fries. fine.

i condomentized my dogs, and brought my tray outside. i help up one of my fries, and it was as limp as george bush after an 8-ball. now, i am no fried food connoisseur, but i DO know that a french fry is supposed to be able to stand out straight, and have a shape of its own. there was not a winner of a fry in the whole bunch.

i felt like i should say something. i usually do. i don’t know why i feel like i have to fix the world. it’s the same feeling i get when there’s the guy in the left lane going 60 in a 65 mile-an-hour speed limit holding up traffic. for miles! i feel like i need to teach this person that THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING ONLY! if you’re not going to go 80, you don’t belong in the left lane. do people not know this? i feel like i should be the one to teach them. this usually involves the slow approach and some light tail gaiting. then some high beam flashes. then comes the horn. then they see doing the “move over, asshole” gesture with my hands. if all else fails, i pass them on the right and they get the “what the hell, man!?” look. people need to know.

i asked my brother cris if i should say something. his typical answer in these types of situations is “i’m sure whatever you do will be the right thing.” pause. “but i wouldn’t think any less of you if you did.”

it’s not that hard to deep fry something, my brother explained. “in fact, it’s an exact science!” he used to work at mcdonald’s when he was in his teens, and could tell you a thing or two about how to deep fry potatoes.

i picked up the fries, and walked in with a nice smile on my face. the girl behind the counter was about 16, red-headed, with a not-so-bright look on her face. “excuse me, miss.”

“how can i help you?”

“i just wanted to let you know that….these fries…just aren’t very good.” i help up a limp one. “you see this one here? this is not a good fry. a fry is supposed to have a crispy outside, right? this one is soggy.” i help up another one. “this one, too.” i said it in a calm tone – pleasant, but with a big-city irony that she perhaps wasn’t picking up on.

“ok…? she looked confused.

i continued. “would you like to eat these fries? they are not cooked properly. and i don’t know if you were the one who cooked them, but these are not not good french fries.

“ok…what would you like me to do?” she asked

i put down the box of fries, and took of my sunglasses. “make better french fries,” i pleaded. “so that the next group of people that comes in here will not have to suffer the way i have. for future generations. make better french fries.”

“ok.” she said, defeated, but not without a sense of confidence.

i sauntered out the door, proud of the way that i handled the situation, wishing only that i could do the same for the asshole that was bound to be lollygagging inappropriately in the left lane in a matter of moments.

purple fiddle

just got back from a gig this weekend at the purple fiddle in west virginia. it was a beautiful weekend, and i really enjoyed myself at the gig. the staff there was unbelievably nice and hospitable. they even put me up for the night!

i’ll definitely go back. but, i need to have some bookend gigs around it, as it was very far, and a financial disaster. worth it, though.

new album update

i set a delivery date with the good folks at mind ignition (mindignition.net).  the absolute last day that i’ll have with the album is saturday, march 22nd, at which point i need to mail them what i have.  they are great at what they do, and i can’t wait to hear what they do with my tracks.   that means that i should be ready to post it on my site +/- a week later.